Trans Fats / Barroom Heroes / Straphangers / Neighborhood Shit / The Pity Whores / Tensor
Midway Cafe, Jamaica Plain, MA 3/3/13
Such noted authoritarians as Andy Bang claim this to be the show of the year. Though I might disagree, sighting the Justin Timberlake/ Dave Matthews/ Kelly Clarkson/ Guy who yells at people in the subway for money show as my personal favorite, I concur with him in the awesomeness of this particular musical presentation.
Again we travel the torrid, dangerous depths to bring you this dual texting review- conducted while the performance is going on but by highly, scientific means, though the recorders of such data are drunk beyond oblivion.
We use this time to caution anyone from trying this at home as we are trained, if incapacitated, specialists.
So sit back, throw another log on the fire, turn the hi-fi stereo down. Relax your mind and await a new experience to envelope your soul, your loins, your being as we invite you warmly into another occurrence of dual texting.
Slimedog- Well, this is Keith Brooks’ first show as a promoter and what a fine bill he put together today.
Andy- Absolutely. If he keeps this up we’ll have to add him to the TNB roster.
Slimedog- No need to punish him that severely. But he has lots of good shows coming up. Looks like Tensor is about to play.
Andy- And not a minute too soon. These guys have really come into their own. What a great powerhouse band.
Slimedog- They’re always happy to play their super charged high octane punk hardcore.
Andy- It’s always exciting when Tensor is in the lineup. I wonder who’s up next.
Slimedog- Just wanted to add that Tensor’s upbeat music masks some depraved lyrics which should answer who is next.
Andy- Oh, No! It’s those mongoloid dudes (The Pity Whores) isn’t it?
Slimedog- Yeah and they’re playing a G.G. Allin song, “Bite It, You Scum.” I will attempt to bite my tongue about what I think of them.
Andy- Be careful or they might bite your tongue for you. But seriously, The Pity Whores really know how to bring it.
Slimedog- Yes, I begrudgingly admit they always turn in a great pop punkin’ hardcore set. Now I think it’s time for the youngest band on TNB.
Andy- Really?
Slimedog- Yes, and I will give you a clue- it’s not The F.U.’s.
Andy- I’m pretty sure the next dudes have a swear in their name.
Slimedog- #&*#% you’re right- it’s Neighborhood Shit.
Andy- And the good news is they don’t stink. Kinda like the Beastie Boys on steroids.
Slimedog- Yeah, this is a new band and the first time we’ve seen them. Heavy hardcore alternating between fast and slow tempos.
Andy- Very cool. But I think the guitarist/vocalist should stay away from metal detectors.
Slimedog- Nice band though….Help! Cody the guitarist from The Pity Whores is beating me into a lifeless pulp …. straight down into the Midway floor!
Andy- Told you he would try to bite your tongue. Quick, use the sleeper hold!
Slimedog- I can’t I’m texting. Break a chair over his head!
Andy- Ok, hang on. “Hey dude, can I borrow your chair…thanks”? (SMASH) Oops, I think I hit him too hard, Are those brain guts?
Slimedog- Naw, he has no brains. Just sew him up, doctor. I feel a bit woozy. And it can’t be the 3 Jami-son’s and four Jager’s I’ve had. Who’s the next band?
Andy- The next band is a hardcore outfit from Queens, N.Y. Called Straphangers.
Slimedog- Yeah, I really liked their CD and the review I did that went in yesterday. A mix of thrash and hardcore.
Andy- Wow. This band is awesome. Great tandem guitars with a touch of metal action.
Slimedog- With two members of the fairer sex, the singer and one of the guitars (who happens to be a redhead).
Andy- Indeed, a refreshing addition to any band. I hope they make the trek back to Boston, very soon. So who’s up next.
Slimedog- And let me just add, yet another great New York band that we’ve run into. The next band up looks like a bunch of midgets.
Andy- No, it can’t be midgets, they’re not wrestling. I think it might be the youngest band on TNB you were mentioning earlier.
Slimedog- Right, the Bar Room Heroes with Carrie their manager/mom- my favorite girl on TNB (who happens to be a redhead). She did let it slip that the boys make thousands playing the Midway and she just gives them money for gum.
Andy- It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them. Looks like they made an upgrade in the percussion department.
Slimedog- Yeah, their drummer now is a big improvement and they sound great. Too bad Carrie told me she’s gonna turn them into a pop music boy band soon.
Andy- Well, they certainly have become big time now. Cavorting with the likes of The Dropkicks and all.
Slimedog- True, next weekend they’re opening up for The Dropkick Murphy’s in Pennsylvania, Washington D.C. and someplace else. Once they become the boy band she’s changing their name to “The Ballroom Heartthrobs.”
Andy- Hey, maybe we can audition as backup singers.
Slimedog- Or dancers.
Andy- Well, I guess that new name is better than The Scrotum Sucking Douchebags.
Slimedog- Isn’t that the name of your Salsa band?
Andy- No, the Salsa band is The Salad Tossing Mother Fuckers. The Scrotum Sucking Douchebags is my Oi band,
Slimedog- Oy vey! Looks like The Trans Fats are taking the stage (forcefully, kicking and punching the Ballroom Heartthrobs off it)
Andy- Yup, there goes Jamie (guitarist) doing his thing. What a great band. I like how each member in the band looks so different, but they come together to generate some awesome hardcore.
Slimedog- Skate punk flying by on all cylinders. Individually, they are all the best at what they do and together even better.
Andy- Most definitely. I think this lineup is the best of the year so far.
Slimedog- Great show, good turnout. Good job Keith, keep up the good work.
Andy- Hey just noticed Cody has woken up and looks really mad.
Slimedog- That’s okay. Let’s break another chair over his head on the way out.
Andy- Good idea. (SMASH)
